NEWSFLASH - that thing called...

My knuckles have been rapped by the boyfriend as i haven't blogged since April. This is always the way with me, i find i have more time and inclination to write when something's going wrong or i'm bored rather than when i'm happy and busy. The same happens when i try and keep diaries and journals. If anyone read them they would seriously think i was a depressed, suicidal loon - and i want to keep that a secret!

My best friend got married last month. It was a truly amazing day, one which i will never forget and i'm so happy that Hannah chose me to be part of it. It was very special. Unfortunatley i'm such a wet blanket that i cried at every available opportunity. But that's not news, that's just me and i've realised that me being a soppy cow is just part of my personality. I used to be made to feel stupid for my tears, told to suck it up or "here come the waterworks", the thing is when i'm emotional (and that's sad, happy, overwhelmed, angry) i express it through tears. I guess i can safely say that i'm not dead inside and that i'm very in touch with my feelings.

Something i have realised though, is eveytime i've cried recently (in the last six months let's say)it has been through happiness. I mean yes, i probably was a bit sad at saying goodbye to my parents and pets when they moved from the village i grew up in, to live in Portugal permanently. It's hard saying goodbye to a life that no longer exists. And it's hard knowing that they aren't where they always were. I guess in a way it feels as though my safety net has gone. But more than that, i'm so, so proud of my parents. They're so brave and i think they're a bit of an inspiration. They've made their dreams come true and they've worked damn hard to get where they are now. It's hard for them too, and i know not a day goes by without them thinking about their daughters and hoping we're safe.

And i am. Safe i mean. As far as i can be. So the tears are ones of joy really, and admiration.

I feel pretty settled at the moment. That could be down to the fact that i've had the same job for almost six months (and the same man) and i've signed up to another six months in Stokey. Or maybe i finally feel at home in London. Or perhaps now i've realised that London is my home. It's a nice feeling, but things are going to change. They have to. It's just the way the world works, and i'm not scared by that. On the contrary, i'm excited by it. Especially if it means moving in with the new man ;-)

I've got sooo much to look forward to this summer and most of it is down to him. I can't believe how lucky i am, to have snared a sexy South African dude who brings out only the best in me, who my friends and family love and who loves me. That's right, NEWSFLASH! I'm in that thing called Love! And it's great!!!

the age old question

What is love? Is it Commitment, ardour, liking, fondness, affection, friendship?
Is it companionship? Is it spending time with someone because you want too or because there is no one else? Does it mean feeling less alone? Or are we all alone? Does love mean that there is no one else that makes you feel so good? Or is it more than that? Is it devotion, passion, attachment? Is there a true love? How do we know when we have found the one and only? Is there a one and only? How do we know that there isn’t some one more perfect, more passionate, more romantic and more caring in the next city, or country or maybe just round the corner from where we work? Do we ever know for certain if we are in love?

What is the difference between being in love with someone and just loving someone? Is loving someone harder when all the butterflies and silly giddiness have dissipated? When reality kicks in hard, do we stop being in love with someone and start to just love? Is being in love really being in lust?

How long is being in love meant to last? 3 months, 3 weeks, 3 days? If it lasts longer does that mean that you’ll be happier when you just love your partner? Is being in love something that society expects and everyone has to aspire to it? Is it essential, like air is to breathe, that we fall in love? Is it a human need that no other mammal or being experiences? In that case is it just some weird chemical in the brain that separates us from animals, which ultimately doesn’t mean anything?

Can we die from a broken heart?

All change please

Thinking of starting a new blog and posting some of my old stuff from my creative writing days...or maybe i should just dump it on here?....

Ok if my next few blogs look a little odd (mainly because they don't look like boring diary entries) then don't panic. I'm just trying something new. Or old, even.

xx

Bring it on!

Tonight i'm having a reunion with old work mates. The company that made me redundant last year in fact. The company only currently exists with two people and only until the end of the month. End of an era. Nice that we all still keep in touch though and there's no animosity there. I used to think that if my boss asked me back i'd be there in a heartbeat, but now i'm not so sure. I'm not exactly in a completely solid position right now but who is? I do know that i could go somewhere with this job though and i don't think i need to take any more risks with jobs.

I've got Saturday night planned with the girls. It has been a while as we're all so busy. Must say my time's been taken up with the new man, taken up willingly i might add. But i've also been busy going back and forth to Wiltshire for Bridesmaid duties. I have to be honest i didn't realise how much tooing and froing there would be, this being my first time and all. It'll all be worth it though i'm sure. Just to see two happy people vowing to be by each others side forever. That thought used to scare the bejesus outta me...but it doesn't quite so much these days. Take from that what you will! Perhaps i've just caught myself in a romantic unrealistic mood.

Summer is nearly here! Well, i guess we have to get Spring out the way first but still it is on it's way. And with it comes all manner of greatness. Festivals, BBQs, weddings, holidays, park life, cider in the sun. Smiles all round!

Bring it on!

marmite cereal bars?

On my way into work today a man thrust a free Marmite cereal bar into my unsuspecting hands. That's right, marmite. On oats and crunchy bits. Just the thought of it made me shudder and cringe. I'm pretty sure i made a face of disgust, much like a bulldog would if he was sucking wee off a nettle. Unpleasant. However, i'm in the "Lovers" category when it comes to the sticky, brown yeasty stuff (what a tantalising description!) so surely this should not be the case? But the thought of waking up to that, well it's too much for even me to take.

Later on in the morning, after my first cup of tea at my desk and a glass of water to hand i did decide to brave this phenomenon just to see if i really would spit it out in disgust as i had imagined i would. As i unpeeled the black and yellow wrapper off the offending item, a waft of salty marmite scent floated out and up into my nostrils, producing a tingling sensation in my mouth. I put the bar closer to my face and sniffed harder, then recoiled. A much stronger marmite smell invaded my nose and i was no longer sure that this was the right time or place to taste this weird creation. I was not sure how my work colleagues would indeed react to my retching at my desk.

But with bravery and "living on the edge" mentality, i closed my eyes and tentativly bit a miniscule piece off the corner of the bar. And...
Survived.

It appeared that most of the Marmite flavouring was in the smell itself. I risked another, slightly larger bite and chewed. The crunchy, chewy texture didn't set my teeth on edge like other rice crispy/mallowy things do. I went for another mouthful, then another. Before i knew it half of the bar had gone.

It was at this stage that i reached for a glass of Thames finest, as this is one of the main draw backs of this new and challenging snack, immediate thrist. I should imagine pubs aroud the country will be ordering these chewy bars to boost drink sales, shouting "Screw peanuts lets give 'em Marmite!".

As the last mouthful went down just as agreeably as the first i was glad i had the courage to try something that initially made me want to hurl.
Is this a metaphor for life? Are we all too eager to judge things we have never experienced? As a society are we against change?

Get lost, it's just a Marmite cereal bar!

Happy days, fat bums

Well, here we go, been a while but i'm back. For a bit. I've been sooo super busy that 2010 is passing by quicker than i imagined. But luckily in a fabulously happy way :-)

The new job is going well so far, i have lots to learn but also a platform from which to jump in any direction i choose. If i can stick at this without getting bored (or made redundant) i think good things will follow. It muust be sickening to hear my optimism but it's taken such a long time to get back to feeling this way i'm embracing it with both hands, feet and butterfly nets...and no, it's not all because i have a lovely man in my life, although that does help!

I was remarkably up beat and happy for the last half of 2009 and i now know why. It was all to do with taking back control. Control of my life. Don't get me wrong i'm not a control freak, i'm a laid back kinda gal and can go with the flow. But i spent too long living my life for someone else. 2009 was my year for regaining my confidence, for having fun and living like the single, 24 year old girl i was. It's been empowering! But tough too. There were quite a few times where i had to dig myself out of whatever blue mood i was in, whatever knockback i came up against. But the beauty of it all was that i realised i am the only one responsible for my life. It doesn't matter who's by your side.

"We are made wise not by the recollection of our past, but by the responsibility for our future." ~ George Bernard Shaw

Ooh this new job is making me so positive about life! That's the trouble when you work for a motivational life coach, among other things.

And i believe it's true, the more positive you are about something good happening the more likely good things will start happening.

For those interested in the love life, it's all going swimmingly. Better than i could have imagined in fact. I was whisked off for a romantic weekend in Dublin, i've been taken out for numerous romantic meals, i've partied hard, i've met the best mates, i've been bought gifts for no reason and i've spent time with someone who seems to get me, who makes me laugh and who i don't get bored of hearing from. even after we've spent the weekend together, before i get home i've had a text message. There's no game playing, which is just a little more than refreshing. Of course it's not all as perfect as it seems...I'm trying hard to think of the imperfect things...oh, here we go, he makes me late for work and has a tendancy to snore. So much so that i've had to buy ear plugs when he had a cold. And he was a fan of celebrity Big Brother. Oh and we go out and eat such unhealthy food that i'm getting a fat bum and even fatter belly. But he seems to like it!

I think i can live with that.

:-)

Bring on 2010

Time really is a great healer. And with it comes many a splendid thing.Hmm how many more cliches can i fit into this?

At this time of year we all tend to look back at the past twelve months. It can be very carthartic or equally depressing to look back and see what you have and haven't achieved. The end of one year and the start of another makes many reflect on where they thought they might be by now, and what you had hoped to have achieved. But it also makes you look at where you want to be and how much the little things have changed.

If i look back exactly a year ago, i could be a different person. A lot has happened for me in 2009, and not all of it happy. But i don't think i'd have it any other way. I now feel at my most confident. It's strange really as i started the year at probably my lowest point. Then a few months later i was made redundant from my dream job. I've always said you need the pain to appreciate the pleasure, and i still stand by that, no matter how horrible the pain is.

At the end of 2009 a whole heap of things changed for me, none more so than my love life. I'll get to that in a minute. Excitingly i've been offered (and have accepted) a new job in the City. I'll be back doing PR but this time not for an agency but in-house. I will be the client for once! It's going to be a massive learning curve for me and i'd be lying if i didn't say i'm a bit apprehensive. The money's not great, but the experience will look fabulous on my CV. Sometimes you have to take a risk and hope it pays off. I feel i've been doing that for most of my adult life so why change now?!

The very same week i was offered the job, my love live did a somersault and i've somehow gained a boyfriend! It's literally been a matter of weeks. However he has been courting me over email for about 5 months. Although i was too blind to see it.

What makes it doubly exciting is that he's a work colleague, although he's been working in South Africa for the past 6 months trying to get his new visa sorted. That's how it started. I had only been working where i am currently for a week or so when he left so i had only had about two conversations with him. Next thing i know i get an email maybe once a week, then we're friends on Facebook where he comments on most of the things i write, then the emails increase to one a day. as the months drew on we played noughts and crosses over email and spent the whole day chatting. And there i was thinking he was just bored! I knew i had started to feel something but decided to leave it. It wasn't clear when he was coming back to London and i knew of his reputation as a ladies man so i figured i'd take it all with a pinch of salt.

It took us exactly four days of him being back in the country before we kissed. We then spent four consecutive days in my bed. I went back to my parents for Christmas and he was in constant contact with me. I had countless emails, text messages, facebook chats. It really seems like he simply cannot get enough!

I'd be lying if i said i wasn't COMPLETELY freaked out by this behaviour. I've never come across this. A guy who likes me, is not playing games, won't sleep with me on the first night we spend together because we haven't been on a proper first date, looks after me when i was feeling poorly, emails me every half hour at work, wants to spend every lunchtime, tea break, fag break with me. Intense? Err, yeah! But you know what, i'm going to do my best not to ruin this by being a typical British, cynical woman. It's not my fault that most guys i've been with are shits and don't know how to treat a girl. Just in the last few days i've let myself go with it. And it's fun. And lovely. And hot!

It turns out his reputation is just that, a reputation. He's pretty much the office sex pest, but actually all he is is a massive flirt. He doesn't follow through. Well apart from with me! He's desperate to tell everyone at work, and some people do already know, but we don't want it to look like i'm leaving because of him!

I know people are probably reading this thinking "don't be an idiot, he's just going to screw you over, it's all talk" but actually i've got to know him over the past few weeks and i feel like maybe i can start to trust him. I've been known to always think the worst. But maybe it's time to change that.

Plus i've never been with a man who's so "giving" in all my life ;-) (sorry that's possibly too much info...hehe)