What is love? Is it Commitment, ardour, liking, fondness, affection, friendship?
Is it companionship? Is it spending time with someone because you want too or because there is no one else? Does it mean feeling less alone? Or are we all alone? Does love mean that there is no one else that makes you feel so good? Or is it more than that? Is it devotion, passion, attachment? Is there a true love? How do we know when we have found the one and only? Is there a one and only? How do we know that there isn’t some one more perfect, more passionate, more romantic and more caring in the next city, or country or maybe just round the corner from where we work? Do we ever know for certain if we are in love?
What is the difference between being in love with someone and just loving someone? Is loving someone harder when all the butterflies and silly giddiness have dissipated? When reality kicks in hard, do we stop being in love with someone and start to just love? Is being in love really being in lust?
How long is being in love meant to last? 3 months, 3 weeks, 3 days? If it lasts longer does that mean that you’ll be happier when you just love your partner? Is being in love something that society expects and everyone has to aspire to it? Is it essential, like air is to breathe, that we fall in love? Is it a human need that no other mammal or being experiences? In that case is it just some weird chemical in the brain that separates us from animals, which ultimately doesn’t mean anything?
Can we die from a broken heart?
I didn't believe in love - I believed in lust, chemistry, dependence, convenience and common sense.. and I was dead-set against meeting anyone until I had achieved grad school. Well - life had other plans and I fell for a coworker.
ReplyDeleteI believe in love now, but it scares me more than anything else out there simply becuase of the strength of the emotion and the irrationality of it. The man I love is full of defects (we all are, but he has some bigger than many).. and while I can tick through them through my head, call him on them, etc they just don't matter. They should... and they did when I first met him but gradually the good things about him just overwhelmed these. The horrible awful thing is that although it was mutual, I chose to not pursue it (co-worker), and he moved away.
I literally fell apart - had to take time off, lost my appetite (lost 20 lbs in a month).... I don't think it would have killed me, but it put enormous stress on me physically, and there were moments when I contemplated suicide just to stop feeling the pain.
It is the biggest regret I have in life, and now, nearly a year later it still hurts, and I don't feel like my life has returned to normal. I want to turn it off and not feel anymore. Love is scary.
The closest experience I can compare it was when my father passed away when I was a teenager. *That* level of loss. Made worse by sitting in the same space at work and have it feel soo empty.
I can't move quickly (financial constraints), but within a month of him leaving, I began to arrange to leave my job as well. That was eight months ago, and in less than a month I will leave my job to drive across the country to grad school and a new beginning. I want to stop where he lives, but I don't know if I can risk the emotional turmoil again - but I don't think I can risk not giving it a chance either.
Can we die of a broken heart? Yes. I believe that someone who is of weak health, or very elderly cannot cope with the stress of a broken heart (ie death of spouse).
that's a really thougtful and heartfelt response. And i can totally understand where you're coming from. we can't chose who we fall for, and even if we know they aren't right for us, a lot of the time this doesn't matter-our feelings can make us vunerable.
ReplyDeleteYou say that it was mutual although you chose not to pursue it. Can i ask why? Can i be bold enough to ask if there is some kind of regret attached to that now?
Something i think you need to realise is how strong you are. You have gone through (and survived)the death of someone very close to you. And even though that sadness will always be there, if that is the worst thing you have managed and got yourself through then you have managed to carry on, you have the power to do anything and come out the other end.
What i'm saying is, if you choose to get through this and move on, you will. You are the one in control of you, know one else is.
If you think stopping by him on your way to grad school will benefit you, will help you, then by all means do it. but all i can say is only do it if it will help you. There is no point putting your vunerable self through something that actually could be avoided. I realise that's easy to say but i have been in the exact same posisition, and have made that tough decision to avoid it.I can only say that, although hard at the time, it was the best way for me to regain control of myself. above all, your own happiness is the most important thing.
xxx
It was my decision.. it was a complicated one, it hurt him, and if I could relive it I would choose differently...
ReplyDeleteWhy ? Well for as long as I can remember, the only person I could ever rely on is me. If I don't consider and make smart plans then they simply won't happen. 1) we were coworker - and I ended up working his project below him (I knew that was coming, and I am volatile in my emotions - things could have gone horribly wrong) (reason #1). So why not leave the job? Welll this leads to reason #2 - maintaining the ability to afford grad school and keep my home. I needed the security of the job - My employer allows for me to take a leave for educational purposes, and this is pivotal in the strata allowing me to lease my condo out while I am gone. (The building does not permit rentals). Without being able to hang on to my property, the costs of school would have eaten up any money I would have made in the sale.. now, I can use equity to pay for school.
That's the financial consideration.
Then there is the grad school consideration (#3) Grad school has always been on my horizon, however once I am committed to something I don't do it partway, but neither do I feel I can juggle a family life with grad school. I would have chosen to throw away grad school in favour of kids, family life, etc. I would have done it in a heartbeat - making the last four years of my life more or less meaningless. The irony is that he supported grad school... but it would have been *my* choice not to go, if he pushed I would have dug my heels in but, later I may well have blamed him when I was no longer able to advance at work.
This is probably the biggest reason why I chose not to get into something with him... grad school & career carried that much weight for me. Note "carried". I have since realized that satisfaction at work & career isn't the be all and end all.
Now, at this moment in time, as I enter my leave, it is generally understood by everyone in my life (except the strata), that I am leaving this life behind, and unlikely to ever return to my job or even to live in this city after grad school.... and for the first time that I know of in my life - my horizon is completely clear and open 360 degrees. Instead of locking onto the track headed to a destination, I am reaching that destination, and have no more track that I am bound to.
I desperately hope that any new tracks I jump on will include him.. I swear, if I do see him, and he suggests eloping, I will (as long as I am still able to do grad school).